There are plenty of MMO blogs out there that have reviewed the various classes available to new players when they take their first tentative steps into the World of Warhammer. Online. Craft. There isn’t much coverage, however, of the classes that Mythic left out of the game; I’m not talking about those classes, such as the Hammerer or Choppa, that were extracted with a precision scalpel, expertly carved out in such a way as to cause maximum outrage on all the Warhammer forums of which, I should note, Mythic has to police and support precisely none.

The person at Mythic who said “Hey, why don’t we not have any official forums, because fans are bound to run their own anyway, and then we can just piggyback off of them for free” has now been set up in their very own room at Mythic HQ, a room made of solid gold, with a golden throne at the centre, where gold fountains routinely shower said person in chocolate and liqueur. And gold.

No, I’m talking about the secret classes that were in the very early alpha release of the game but were quickly removed after initial feedback from testers. So here’s a brief description of some of the lost classes of Warhammer Online:

The Scion of Slaanesh – The Scion was an interesting class, being a representative of the god of seduction, depravity and hedonism they were armed with nothing more than a main-hand whip and a large vibrator in the off-hand. Death at the hands of a Scion was an absolute pleasure and at the same time absolute agony. Alpha testers complained that there was a lack of armour options, which was not strictly true, because since the Scion didn’t wear any armour, or clothing at all, there weren’t many options to be had. The developers pointed out that they had been quite generous with the various body customisation options for the class in compensation for the lack of attire, but testers pointed out in response that there was a bug where the male and female characters had every combination of body options, male and female, all at the same time. The developers said that this wasn’t a bug it was a feature, but nobody was buying it, and the class fell into disuse.

The Dwarf Beer Master – The Beer Master was meant to be a pet class, but it had a twist, the twist being that it didn’t have any pets to speak of. The idea was that the Master would carry around flagons of ale which would act as pets and aid him in combat. Of course, beer isn’t actually sentient or mobile in any way, and the developers had trouble resolving that fact. When he tried to command his pets to attack, the flagons of ale would simply sit at his feet and not move, and with the character being too drunk to realise the problem, he would simply repeatedly yell at the beer mugs to attack until the player was forced to turn the sound off to protect their speakers. The only mobility the pets had was when the Beer Master flung them at his enemies in a fit of inebriated rage, at which point he would realise that the flagon still had precious beer in it and he would charge after it into the midst of the enemy, where he was quickly cut to ribbons because he’d forgotten to put his armour back on after taking a leak behind a nearby Swordmaster earlier in the day.

The Orc Negotiator – A diplomacy-based class, the Negotiator didn’t last too long. Orcs aren’t given much to diplomacy, and thus this class kept chopping the heads off of the other diplomats and then using them as glove puppets in order to conclude negotiations quickly and get back to the fighting.

The High Elf Conscientious Objector – Another diplomacy-based class and the mirror to the Orc Negotiator. Alpha testers complained that the Objector spent far too much time with its head being used as a glove puppet.

The Dark Elf Emolator – A suicide attack class, they charged-up their Emo power bar by contemplating their pale skin and black hair in hand mirrors that they carried around with them, and by singing powerful dirges by The Cure and Jimmy Eat World until they were suicidal enough to attack the enemy head-on. Alpha testers complained about the lack of variation in the black cloth armour, and the fact that there was no character run animation, instead they had to go everywhere at a shambling walk with their head down on their chest.

The Human Bloggerer – A very unusual class, they were armed with nothing more than a quill and a sheaf of vellum. They protected their allies by generating huge walls of text that the enemy could not bypass without siege engines, and they attacked by writing scathing reviews of the other classes’ prowess in combat and the bedroom. They also had a powerful debuff where they would speculate on a specific class being nerfed soon by the developers. Alpha testers complained that the class was a lot of fun to start off with, but soon became too much effort for most players to be bothered with. Mythic suggested a skald-like class instead, the Podcasterer, but it was quickly shelved when they realised that it had balance issues; you could only hear it in one ear.

So there you have it, a few of the lost classes of Warhammer. Remember them well, for their existence was brief, broken and bizarre.